9pm dim sum

For entry 1001, i'm just gonna ramble a bit on some stuff:

Just came back from dim sum with joseph less than an hour ago. It's been quite a while since i've seen him. Sometimes, i wonder how one can just have an endless conversation with someone despite being out of touch for so long. 3.5 hours to catch up on half a year's worth of stuff. Joseph relaxes me, no guards, no masks. One of the first friends i made back in JC. First impression was utterly frightful though. After all, large sized St Pats boys who looked moody usually dont make one feel chirpy.

Sometimes, i wonder if not because he left, how would we be now ? Closer or even more distant ? Out of the 3 of them whom i used to hang out with back then, Ki and i were the closest. Or more like, i was the closest to Ki. Still, i cannot recall our last conversation. I cannot recall our last words. Maybe if the 4 of us were more together, things would have held out. But then again, maybe i wasnt working hard enough for us to stay together.

I tend to take things one step at a time, tackle what's in front of me, short term plans. Sometimes i neglect what has been beside me, putting it aside and only looking there when i need to or when i'm free. Perhaps if i were more committed, i could have kept Ki in my life. I think the people who have stuck with me for half my life like Ting are half insane (in a good way), i mean, there are only certain people i do my best to keep in contact with. The other half have always been on a tightrope. Still they stay true to me, to our friendship, waiting. Somehow, certain people i need to learn to hold on tighter to. I really do.

Sometimes i look back and wonder, why God puts me in a group, after all, He always eventually shuffles me up and all i'm left with is perhaps 1 out of them all. In fact, sometimes none at all. I've never been one for groups, for cliques, constantly drifting about. Still, on days when i feel lonely, i think a sense of belonging might have been good to have.

Not that i dont have people i can rely on. In fact, i have a handful of loves. But they're all in different places, all part of different lives. They know my different faces, the masks that i wear to hide. Still they're like people in parallels, never meeting, yet always being there. I'm grateful, so grateful for God's loves, for my strong towers, but somehow i wish they were at least somewhat connected. Then again, i love how diverse they are, how different they can be.

Ting's a china girl. Which is kinda a joke to others whenever i mention it. An idiot whose chinese is worst than a primary school kid has a bff who speaks mainly in chinese. Joseph's the St Pats idiot who fights with me over who speaks worst chinese. Andrew, who is always there, always with the most practical things to say, who always lifts me up in my worst times. Johan who is a po, my dearest po. Rei, who speaks not a word of chinese, who is there to listen and reassure. And the others who have always been there. Who hopefully will always be there.

I'm in a washi-paper mood now. Quiet, meditative, not in a linear flow though and with just a hint of tension in the air. Still, thank God for the time tonight. Thank God for the time with Wilfred the other night. Doesnt it suck that most of the people who are close are males ? Hahaha. Still, thank God for them, thank God for everything.